Pablo Picasso said, “There are only two types of women – goddesses and doormats.”

… Which are you?

Do you give more than you get?
Do you sacrifice, accommodate, and please for fear of losing his love?
Out of excitement, do you go all in or make yourself too available?
Do you compromise your values to keep his love or attention?
Do you put his needs before your own and believe that by fulfilling him – he’ll choose you over all others?
Do you have sex (under pressure) before you feel ready?

If you said yes to even one of these questions, you’ve lost your goddess status.

It baffled me for years, why my loving, giving and supportive ways didn’t grant me rave reviews with a man. Men complained all the time, “If only I could find a sweet, adoring, supportive, understanding, and generous woman to spend my life with”.

It made sense that good guys were valuing the same qualities of good gals, so why were Nice Gals, like you and me, consistently being overlooked, undervalued, or taken advantage of?

I learned key differences separate whether a man treats a woman like a Doormat or like a Goddess.

(Caveat: Some men are nice and honest and always treat women with respect. A whole other group of men who act like self-centered jerks and disrespect women regardless of the level of self-esteem they possess. Then, there’s a middle group who respond to how a woman treats herself- this is the premise I’m sharing from in this blog. YOU ARE NEVER TO BLAME WHEN A MAN TREATS YOU BADLY. The aim of all my teaching is to make sure it never happens again.)

First of all, the Goddess is confident and secure in her self-worth. She has rules about how much she’ll give, to whom and how soon: guarding her body and heart for the right man. When a man treats her with less respect or care, she calls him on it. If she doesn’t feel comfortable doing something she says NO! While she wants to be loved and find the one, she’s willing to walk away if something isn’t quite right. She’s had bad luck with men too, but she stands up for herself and is willing to stay single, holding out for all she truly desires.

The ‘Doormat’ was once a Goddess who got hurt. BAD. Now fear, instead of trust, drive her to make choices against her best interest because of a false belief of not being enough, or the belief she can’t trust men.

Thoughts from past experiences make this too nice gal think…

“Something wrong with me”
“Who would want me like this?! I’m too fat, too sick, too broken, or _____”
“If I say what I really feel or think, he might not like me”
“I’ve never been like those popular girls who have it all, who would ever choose me!?”

OR

“If I let myself fall for him, what if he rejects me. I don’t think I can handle it.”
I’m sick of being hurt and disappointed by men”
“I don’t know where to meet good quality men, I always seem to attract jerks.”
“I’ve made so many bad choices in the past, I don’t trust my judgment”

Bad beliefs hijack the Nice Gal robbing her of self-worth and confidence.
Fear makes her feel needy, insecure, uncertain or desperate, turning her into a doormat.

Acting from this energy ‘the doormat’ is more likely to minimize or dismiss red flags or bad behavior, depending too much on a man to make her feel safe and lovable. She’ll give to get and aware of this manipulation, he’ll either dismiss or use her in return. A not-so-good man will take advantage of her need for love and enjoy the ego-boost of attention, affirmation, and affection as she fills him up.

The more she gives, the more empty she feels, and the more she’ll unconsciously lean on a man to make her feel good enough.

It’s a vicious cycle that perpetuates feelings of being less than and less desirable. The Nice Gal loses touch with herself and her goddess-ness.

Said differently: No man wants to feel burdened by your demands, expectations, or needs, or run the tightrope of managing your fears and past hurts. If he feels you need him to feel safe or validated he’ll see you as a doormat and treat you less than. Or feeling less worthy, you may be tempted to put up with unacceptable or less just to be accepted.

This is precisely the too-nice, bad deal, always ends in heartbreak cycle I am here to support you to break. Once feelings stop running the show – you can reclaim your worthy, Goddess status and get the love you want.

Now, you may be thinking – ‘Maryjane, giving is my thing. It’s part of who I am.”

Yes, I hear you and I get it. I want you to be big-hearted and loving, but from a place of self-worth, self-love, and self-care.

I want you to make a strong, no excuses commitment to giving to you first and placing your needs as high priority so this becomes the standard by which you allow a man to get close.

To be a goddess, you must be self-assured that you deserve love, secure enough to allow it and self-loving enough to say ‘NO’ to anything that looks like love but isn’t.

Love,

The post From Doormat to Goddess first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

What do you do when life hasn’t turned out as you hoped, planned or expected?

For starters, you stayed strong and survived. (that’s huge!!!!)

Second, what happened wasn’t necessarily the cosmic plan of the universe or choice. So, stop beating yourself up with woulda, coulda, shoulda.

There’s a trick of the mind that when the body is nervous or fearful what you tell yourself is what becomes real. For example, if you start to feel anxious butterflies and jittery nerves before speaking in public, telling yourself you’re afraid will create stronger sensations and emotions of fear.

If instead, you tell yourself “I’m excited”, you’ll experience similar body sensations, like, sweaty pits and Adrenalin rush, but your emotions will be elevated, helping you perform better.

This same mind-body hack can be applied when recovering from regret, heartbreak, or trauma.

I invite you to think of a moment that haunts you. A choice you regret and would change if you could, an unexpected incident you were blindsided by, or a person who wounded you the most.

Ask “What did I make that moment mean about myself, about others, about life, or about God?

• Were you heartbroken and you decided there were no good men and you’re better off being alone?
• Were you the fun friend no guy ever got serious about and you decided no man would ever see your worth?
• Did you struggle to belong and decided either to “do it on your own” or please to get others to like and include you?
• Have you been single so long, maybe past your best before expiry date and you believe it’s too late for you?
• Did you suffer from neglect, betrayal, or abuse, and come to believe real love happens for others, but not someone like you?

STOP, grab your journal and write your answer down.

What you tell yourself about what has happened determines whether you the victim or the heroine of your own story. This battle isn’t happened “out there” but in your heart and head.

My introduction to coaching and personal development began with a career as a group fitness trainer in my 20’s. All that ended when I was hit by a car, ironically while walking to the health food store.

The first year of physical recovery was a struggle to understand why this had happened and how to get my life and body back.

Losing my business and health was hard enough, but then a thoughtless remark from a stranger telling me it was karma, made me blame myself. My mind latched onto the “idea” of wrongdoing and punishment from God, and searched for evidence of unworthiness and guilt.

I know you’ve been on that mental train wreck. Maybe you’re riding the blame train right now, expecting the inevitable crash. Accustom to criticism and not good enough messages, self-blame was hard to combat. After journaling and reading many self-help books, I flipped the meaning into an opportunity to reinvent my life. I decided God wanted my good and was on my side.

I truly began to heal when I decided “why” was because I was at the crosswalk at precisely the moment this man drove distracted and too fast – that was it: Karma in its true meaning of cause and effect and co-dependent origination. Period.

I stopped asking why, and said, “now what?” I shifted my focus to what I wanted and took action on next steps. I didn’t know what would happen or how it was all going to turn out but in embracing uncertainty every possibility had opened up to me.

A degree and a few certifications later, I became a life coach. My private practice thrived and I saw the accident as a gift.

The meaning placed on the events determines whether you shrink or expand; survive or thrive. It is the difference between becoming angry, faithless, and afraid, or feeling worthy, hopeful, and full of trust.

What is the gift in your circumstance, past or present? What meaning will you subscribe to?

Here’s what I believe.

I believe you’re worthy and lovable no matter what.

You are not your circumstances, not what happened to you, not what others think, and not your mistakes. You are here for a purpose: to connect, to love, and to express all of you (to do what brings you joy and follow your passions).

You are and always will be good enough.

Love,

The post How to Deal When Life Doesn’t Turn Out as Planned first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

I use to fall into my feelings, but now I am wiser.

Here’s why acting only on feelings of attraction is a mistake and how to avoid it.

Feelings of attraction are necessary to kick-start a connection, but relying ONLY on feelings in how we choose a romantic partner is why we haven’t found lasting love.

I noticed a pattern in myself and clients of making relationship choices based on feelings. As kind-hearted, empathic feeling types our capacity for creativity and care of others works against us when it comes to falling in love.

Recently, I decided it was time after a reflective and healing hiatus to open up to dating again.

Brad had secretly been admiring me from afar, eventually, I clued in and picked on on his attraction. I admit- it felt good to be desired. His adoration and attentiveness energizing me and I started to hope again.

My desire to “find the one” and belief in “meant to be” was a vulnerability that had exposed me to manipulation and exploitation in the past.

Mindful of past mistakes, I went slow, listened more than I talked, didn’t fall into fantasy, and tested feelings compared to actions. So, when Brad said, “I have never felt this strongly for anyone”, and talked about future plans, I knew these were just his feelings talking and not a promise or commitment. I looked to not what he said but what he did and his character as a guidepost for relationship potential.

His actions were telling.

• He said how much he missed me, but didn’t text or call for days.
• He canceled date plans last minute twice.
• He got too touchy-feely too fast and pressured me for sex.
• He admitted he suffered from severe anxiety and tended to be obsessive.
• He complained about his ex-girlfriend not helping him enough.

Hello!!! ….RED FLAGS!

The younger, more giving and desperate to be loved part of me, would have let myself just fall into the good feelings of adoration and attraction, minimized the obvious tells, and help him overcome his immaturity and brokenness.

The difference is that I am a No More Nice Gal now. I don’t let men use me for sex, guidance, or positivity. I don’t confuse attraction for love. I have zero delusions that loving a man enough means he will change for the better.

I noticed all of Brad’s serious flaws and true intentions in a few chats and 2-dates. Fact is, true to old patterns, I attracted a fixer-upper in need, not a real man capable of appreciating and loving the real me.

Knowing my worth and committed to never settling ever again – that simply not good enough. I easily said no and when he pushed back twice, I said No and a more powerful NO! again.

The strength to do this comes from practicing what I preach and following the No More Nice Gal Principles.

Always put yourself first.
Trust (and follow) your Intuition.
Protect your Heart and Happiness.
Be Kind to yourself.
Act Worthy to feel Worthy.

It’s self-affirming when you protect your happiness and no longer allow feelings and fantasy to rule your choices.
It’s affirming when you act on behalf of your own worth and never settle.
It’s empowering to transform a painful past into a promising future.

Feelings all too often steer us wrong. Acting on and relying exclusively on feelings can make us blind to reality and reckless with our heart. Feelings can cause us to fall for inappropriate, unavailable, non-committal, non-compatible or emotionally unhealthy love interests. Likely, you’ll end up with a train wreck of failed and disappointing ex’s and no closer to your goal of real, forever love.

Don’t take my word for it; research backs-up my lived experience.

Researchers, Mauss, Tamir, Anderson, and Savino, discovered that individuals who seek love to fulfill a personal need results in less happiness overall and increased feelings of loneliness. This is because feelings change over time, making it easy to “fall out of love,” as it can be to “fall in love.”

On the other hand, committed couples acted in more loving ways, regardless of feelings, based on what they value about the relationship and their partner, making it easier to navigate hard times, change, or disappointments.

So…

Relationship longevity and happiness has more to do with shared values than attraction. The goal of every Nice Gal, then, is to stop choosing what feels good and instead chose a man who shares your vision for life and actively loves.

The post Why Choosing a Man based on Feelings Leads to Heartbreak first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

– No More Nice Gal Client

I’m getting more and more emails from late in life Nice Gals who are opting to be single. Worn out from the drama they’re committing to their careers and personal development, since they no longer trust they can find happiness with a good, loving and emotionally present man. They report meeting men who are at worst narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, non-committal, controlling, or abusive, and at best uninteresting. They’re wondering where all the nice guys have gone.

Our Love Map is Learned in Childhood

In childhood, we either get the message we’re cared for and special- or that we don’t matter. If our mother was alert, attuned and responsive to our needs, we feel loved, safe and secure. But if our mother was absent or ignored meeting our needs, we learn that people can’t be trusted and that we’re on our own. A child who grows up not being actively loved and cared for will stop seeking comfort and shut down emotionally to survive the trauma of neglect and abandonment. She’ll adopt an avoidant love-style in relationships as a form of self-protection.

When a mother is sometimes responsive and sometimes not, the child often develops an anxious and insecure attachment style as an adult. She may actively seek close connections but will be plagued with fears of loss or rejection that often play out as suspiciousness, possessiveness, neediness or excessive demands for reassurance or attention.

As Dorothy Law Nolte put it, “Children learn what they live.” The goal then is to understand how the past has affected your relationships so you can reclaim your self-worth, break the cycle and heal.

1. The Nice Gal is Drawn to the Familiar

Wayne Dyer in speaking of the law of attraction said, “You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are.”

Everyone unconsciously gravitates to situations, relationships, and people that mirror their earliest experiences regardless of whether those experiences were safe or not. This spells bad news for Nice Gals who will play out the drama of trying to win mom or dad’s love, acceptance, and attention with future partners. Nice Gals who grow up in an unsafe world where caregivers could not be trusted or relied on, seek a partner who re-creates familiar feelings of fear, rejection, and uncertainty. No matter how much a Nice Gal desires to be seen and cared for, this pattern repeats until the trauma is upended.

*If a man feels familiar like you’ve dated him before, or he reminds you of mom or dad, or you feel a love at first site infatuation, slow down and test the relationship. This may be your first clue this isn’t true love, but a repeat of unhealthy relationship patterns.

2. The Nice Gal is Vulnerable to Love Bombing

Love bombing is a technique used by Narcissists, players and domestic abusers to get you to drop your guard and trust. Behind the mask, their intent is to exploit and abuse you. Nice Gals are particularly vulnerable to love bombing because of their deep yearning for attention and belonging. Mistaking romantic attention for genuine love, they get caught up in the powerful emotions that come from being validated and adored by a man. The intense all-in fulfillment of their desires can be quite alluring and addictive, even if our brain is screaming this is too good to be true. It is!

TIP: Watch out for men who go-all-in too fast, sweeping you up in a romantic frenzy, monopolizing your time and staying in close proximity. All this is a red flag! Date a man who is willing to take it slow and know the real you. Men who aim to exploit, sell the fantasy while distracting you from the price tag. Don’t get hooked.

3. The Nice Gal Mistakes Drama for Passion

Dr. Craig Malkin writes in his book, Rethinking Narcissism: “Romantic uncertainty often turns us on.” When a Nice Gal learns in childhood that love has to be earned, fought for, and sought after, her adult relationships mirror her childhood attempts to secure love from an absent, inattentive, or rejecting parent.

Her association of ‘Love’ is an entangled mix of intense feelings of fear, anger, and pain that get confused for passion.    By choosing a rejecting, inattentive, critical, or violent man she replays these familiar, yet unhealthy emotional arousal states in the hope this time will be different. There is a longing for healthy love between equals but a mistrust of personal worth and value that drives the unconscious to replay old unhealed wounds.

Clear signs of being attracted to love drama include:

• Big highs and deep lows
• Anxious arousal coupled with confusion
• Conflicting emotions of attraction and disgust
• Feelings of elation followed by shame
• Pain is linked with pleasure

Recognition of a man who feels like mom or dad is actually an attachment to the uncertainty and longing he provokes or stimulates. This kind of passion is urgent and hungry because there is a desperate attempt to heal the pain of the past with this “love”. This is why this kind of man is physically and emotionally stimulating, while nice guys seem boring.

In truth, it is not the man you desire to belong to, but a recognition of the unworthiness and pain you desire freedom from.

*If you are spending all your time trying to figure him out and make the relationship go your way, you’re dating a man who you cannot rely on to care for you. Lean back or step.

4. The Nice Gal is Blind to Neglect and Mistreatment

It seems counter-intuitive, but if a Nice Gal is a victim of childhood abuse, or was expected to meet high demands of performance or perfectionism to secure parental approval, she may not even be aware that she is being controlled, put down or has lost sight with her own wants and needs. Familiarity causes people to normalize events no matter how traumatic or persistently damaging, to the point that we neither recognize nor register it in our awareness. This makes Nice Gals particularly vulnerable to abuse and manipulation.

WARNING: Abuse or exploitation to any degree or in any form is completely unacceptable and a reason to leave. If your partner is putting you down, making threats, dismissing your opinion or feelings, or being physically violent in any way, get support to develop an exit plan so you can leave safely.

5. The Nice Gal is Quick to Blame Herself

In typical co-dependent fashion, the Nice Gal is an over-responsible people-pleaser who all too readily accepts the blame in life circumstances. She has a learned habit of self-criticism, attributing bad outcomes and failures as a result of believed character flaws. Rather than seeing her partner’s share of the responsibility, she shoulders all the failure and blame, pushing her to try harder to improve the relationship and fix the problems within him.

WARNING: If you’re doing all the giving and all the “let’s make this work” heavy lifting while he demands more and dishes out blame- you need to stop all pleasing behaviors, take a step back and ask if your needs are being met. No matter how hard you try- you cannot fix him and you cannot make him love you.

6. The Nice Gal Isn’t Trusting her Intuition or Perceptions

Daughters of controlling, combative, competitive or highly narcissist mothers are so frequently blamed, criticized, and gas-lighted these children begin to doubt reality and their perceptions.

They endure the crazy-making tactic of having their feelings and thoughts regularly invalidated and dismissed as unimportant until they can no longer distinguish between what is real and what isn’t.

The mother twists and distorts their perceptions in order to control, coerce, and manipulate the child for their own exploitative ends. This leaves the child with no real sense of self outside the approval and direction of another.

Growing up with no sustainable self-worth, Nice Gals trust too easily, and all too often attract predatory partners who want to use them as sources of narcissist supply to devalue and abuse.

TEST THIS! I teach my clients to test a man’s capacity for empathy by seeing if he knows how to comfort you and validate your feelings. Try sharing a small frustration, fear or hurt from your life on a date. Nothing too loaded but something you feel comfortable being a little vulnerable and open about. Notice how he responds. Does he sympathize, try to comfort or encourage you? Or does he minimize, skip over, or invalidate how you feel? If you see a failure to empathize at the beginning, this will only get worse over-time. Consider yourself forewarned.

7. The Nice Gal is searching for “The One” to Fill the Emptiness

The Nice Gal doesn’t see the source of her neediness and emptiness can never be filled by securing the love of a man. Until the pattern of the past is healed, she’ll continue to attract an unhealthy match that compliments her co-dependent way of relating.

An essential step for the Nice Gal is to acknowledge the wounds of childhood and grieve what she was never given. Reclaiming her true self-begins with telling her story; and then, re-framing inaccurate beliefs, conclusions, or interpretations of being bad, ugly, unlovable, alone, dirty, or wrong. Only then can the Nice Gal build healthy ways of relating to men from a position of self-worth.

8. The Nice Gal Lacks Healthy Relationship Role Models

A big part of the Nice Gal healing journey is discovering what a healthy connection between two-equal partners looks like. She must learn how to:

• Self-soothe and self-care
• Voice her needs
• Erect strong boundaries to protect her self-esteem
• Develop discernment regarding people’s behaviors and intentions to avoid mistreatment

TIP: Find a mentor couple, whether real or fictional, known or unknown that represents your ideal relationship. Don’t overlook their flaws (we all have them), instead see how their strengths and skill sets help them to communicate and relate to each other in loving and supportive ways. Practice what they emulate, as their best.

9. The Nice Gal doesn’t know what Good Love Looks or Feels like

The biggest thing that keeps a Nice Gal single or in an unhappy relationship is that she doesn’t know good love from bad love. Growing up with conditional love accompanied by heavy doses of guilt, neglect, shame, and fear produces Nice Gals who associate love with pain.

If a Nice Gal grows up believing she has to please others to be accepted, she’ll be committed to people pleasing to avoid rejection, no matter the personal cost. If an NG learned to achieve to be ‘worthwhile’, she’ll strive to be good enough. If an NG believes that love makes you vulnerable and often hurts, she’ll inadvertently tolerate bad treatment from a partner.

Nice Gal recovery means detaching personal worth from external sources of validation: feeling esteemed and good enough outside of achievements, status, or the opinions of others.

TIP: Work with a qualified coach or therapist to support you to develop a secure sense of self-worth. This will make you invulnerable to criticism and more open to love.

10. The Nice Gal is Afraid to be Alone

Lacking strong source of maternal love, unloved daughters often feel a sense of isolation long after childhood has ended. Having been denied validation and support from key caregivers, they still look to ‘others’ to feel good about themselves. Being alone can trigger the same faulty messages she received in childhood, whether spoken or implied, of being unlovable, unworthy and lacking. Yet, it is precisely these beliefs which set up a Nice Gal to enter into relationships that reflect these old falsehoods about herself.

*Breaking the habit of attracting the past requires revising the unconscious beliefs that were created to cope with the pain of rejection and neglect experienced. It takes some time and skilled professional to trace back, acknowledge and re-frame personal pain, but it is worth it! Note: If the pain of childhood occurred in isolation, self-helping DYI style won’t work. Healing requires that you experience non-judgmental, loving connection.

11. The Nice Gal Lives on Hope

Hope is not a strategy, but it can help weather the rough patches of disappointment. However, when a Nice Gal puts all her trust and hope in someone else who isn’t demonstrating the care, honesty, commitment or real love she needs, she sets herself up for failure. She hopes she’ll be loved and supported, but instead endures further abandonment, rejection or betrayal. My invitation for every Nice Gal is to place HOPE in her inherent worth and in her ability to heal. Hope in a loving universe or God who wants her good, happiness, and fulfillment, and looks at her adoringly with complete delight and love.

EXERCISE: Look at a picture of yourself when you were a young girl or child. Notice how trusting, open, delightful and innocent that younger self is and pour out the love you can’t help but feel for this beautiful child. Let yourself send the love and care she needs and let it embrace you both now.

Nice Gals aren’t doomed to settle for less or repeat the pain or mistakes of the past if they dedicate themselves to healing the false assumptions around their worth and lovability.

One thing I know to be true is that no matter what is that every Nice Gal is good enough and worth loving.

The post 11 Reasons Why An Unloved Nice Gal Picks the Wrong Guy first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

Valentines Day can be a difficult day. Reminders of coupledom everywhere can equal longing and loneliness. It is tempting to race for an emotional exit and self-soothe with a romantic movie, wine, and chocolate!

I’m curious… what are the habits and activities you turn to for escape and ease from the pain and pressure in your life? What is your “drug of choice”?

Shopping? Food? Netflix? Rescuing? Approval Seeking? Internet? Fantasy? Sympathy? Control? Gossip? Sex? Isolation? Anger? Flirtation? Exercise? Cutting? Hobbies? Achievement? Men?

So why am I talking about emotional avoidance on Valentines!!! (of all days!!!)

It’s not because I want to flog you into misery for being single or beat you up for the imagined ways your over-responsible self-feels like a failure. You’ve already shouldered all the blame, despite the truth. Plus, it’s not very nice, and I’m all about kindness.

What I know for sure is that a numbing the pain, pushing through to be ‘strong’, buying into the idea of a singular soulmate, and isolating yourself out of fear of rejection you won’t get you the life and relationship you’re worthy of.

The part of you that is starving for love will be vulnerable to exploitation and stay dependent on your drug(s) of choice to fill the emptiness.

I want the absolute best for you – more than you think you deserve or could imagine. You can’t claim an extraordinary love and life if you’re hiding, giving up, mistrusting, denying your needs, or avoiding feelings of anger, shame, fear, and regret.

This stuff will eat you up from the inside out: bury your gifts, burden your hopes, and suffocate your light.

Your lovability is buried beneath messages of unworthiness, saying “You don’t belong”, “There’s something wrong with you” and “You’ll always be alone”.

No one can live with a voice in their head telling them they’re not enough. It’s unbearable and cruel.

The radical solution is not to numb or distract from the pain but embrace it with acceptance and compassion. Instead of pushing the pain away, stuffing it down or drowning in emotion: breathe, feel and notice.

Breathe into your body, feel the sensation of emotion and observe the texture and movement. Breathe in color and light, breathe out negative emotion and stress.

Resist trying to think your way into a solution. This never works and will only make you feel frantic, anxious, and confused. Avoid attaching meaning, conclusions or beliefs to the feeling. You can’t think your way into healing. Only love heals.

Further, avoid identifying with feelings “as who you are” since this pours salt in the wound and creates resistance to change. Over-identification turns “he left me and I feel unloved” to “I am unlovable”. This untruthful leap separates you from love and fractures the self from wholeness, creating a desperate longing for connection coupled with an overpowering fear of rejection.

Being separated from your true self and value explains why you don’t believe in yourself, why you want to be loved but push people away or chose men who don’t love you. It explains why you give but don’t receive, or why you depend too much on others or codependently need to be needed. It explains why you settle for less and shame your natural human needs or why you hide your true desires and gifts out of fear of abandonment.

The wounded self is fragile and seeking esteem. The goal is to find self-worth outside of our broken attempt to be loved by being too nice and giving ‘ourselves’ away.

Heartbreak can be a transformative journey if you have the courage to feel and face. It takes emotional courage to feel and honesty to admit unexpressed emotions are weighing you down and keeping you stuck.

It takes determination to recover from the blows life threw at your self-esteem, and stop abandoning yourself.

I believe you can take past heaping piles of sh*t! and plant a flourishing and radiant garden. I believe you can turn heartbreak and so-called negative emotions into personal power.

I’m confident that as you dedicate 2018 to healing your heart and living like you’re loved – life will become more joyful and fulfilling. Commit to doing the hard healing first to attract real love after.

No More Nice Gal Healing includes:

Separating your value or worth from your the approval of others or from accomplishments.

Understanding weight is your excuse not to date and how your relationship with food is intimately connected to suppressed feelings.

Recognizing you’ve picked men and significant people in your life to help you heal past wounds and grow– even if it feels like they mostly challenged or harmed you.

Removing barriers or blocks so you can finally feel confident with men.

No longer withdrawing and isolating yourself, making it safe to connect.

Feeling your feelings to empower emotional resilience and unshakeable belief in yourself.

Pushing feelings aside or using your intellect to cope with your feelings doesn’t work. Trying harder doesn’t work. Giving more doesn’t work. Avoidance doesn’t work. Healing your heart and claiming your worth does.

This Valentine’s day, I invite you to feel, care for and delight in yourself as a step in your decision to heal and feel.

Here’s a free worksheet exercise to get started.

You’re Worth Loving.

The post Feel and Face first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

The post What to do when you’re feeling… HALTS Technique first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

I spent so much of my life defiantly trying to prove I was important and deserving while believing the lie of not good enough.  Each time I got close to breaking free, fear took over, and I’d stop short of my potential.

Maybe you relate.

Today is my birthday. With every birthday I always feel the energy of change and the possibility excites me. My potential pays a visit coaxing me out of hiding, tempting me to risk letting go of the illusion to remember who I am. The same way your inner self is beckoning you, now.

Living like you’re loved is the path to the self-worth and relationship you want. To reach it, you must remember ‘who you were’ before shame, fear, pain, loss, rejection, hurt, and abandonment made you forget your gifts, purpose, and power. The self you lost to trauma and the self you gave away piece by piece trying to get others to love you.

It comes down to a choice for which voice you’ll believe: which identity you want to claim. One identity said I was unwanted, not worth time, attention, affection, and support. The girl who would never belong, who was different, less than, apart from others: an ugly mistake who couldn’t do anything right.

In contrast is the identity living of my namesake. The meaning of the name Maryjane is “wished for and beloved child of a good and gracious God”. Wished for and beloved means I was an expectant delight for a good God who saw me as perfectly lovable. Much like the way I see my little boy Adam as unconditionally worthy (as is and no matter what).

The truth is you are a unique, one-of-a-kind beloved creation too. You were created for a purpose. You have gifts to share. You’re worth loving. You are loved (perfectly).

My call-out for 2018 invited you to make the choice for love: to adopt the identity of a woman who is loved, wanted, special and whole so the voice of not good enough and doubt can’t creep in and rob your birthright.

Living like you’re loved changes everything!

It changes how you feel. It changes what you attract. It changes what you’ll tolerate. It changes how courageously and creatively you show up in the world… and all for the better.

Love is the answer.
And you are made from love.
You are loved.

Live like you’re loved and experience will catch up, reflecting this love in your friendships, family, and with men.

Decide now to let go of a not-good-enough past and live like you’re worth the love you desire.

Love,

The post Live Like You’re Loved first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

This New Year’s 2018 abandon resolutions based on self-improvement because the root of all perfecting and performing is a belief of not being worthy. Say NO to striving and instead commit to pulling out every rooted false belief in “not good enough”. Make healing and restoring your true self the focus.

From my heart to yours, I see the intuitive strength you possess that comes from your innate sensitivity. I honour the courage you have to believe in love despite all the challenges and setbacks.

I invite you to make the choice for love, committing to whatever it takes to be free: to find sources of love and self-worth inside yourself, independent of the past or your current relationship status.

My first offering is that no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, no matter how unlovable you believe you are, no matter how difficult the journey has been so far, no matter how much you may be going through or struggling with now, no matter how many people have disappointed you, no matter how much time you’re afraid you’ve wasted – you can find true love.

It’s a free download – no sign-up required (just click the link below). My gift to support you to make the choice for love.

The post Make the Choice for Love Workbook first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

“You wait a lifetime to meet someone who understands, who accepts you as you are. At the end, you find that someone all along has been you.” – Richard Bach

This New Year’s 2018 abandon resolutions based on self- improvement because the root of all perfecting and performing is a belief of not being worthy. Say NO to striving and instead commit to pulling out every rooted false belief in “not good enough”. Make healing and restoring your true self your focus.

Nice Gal behaviours are learned ways to earn and secure love. And every nice act only offers temporary, and conditional versions of love that depends on one’s efforts to please, support, fix and give. It traps Nice Gals in a never-ending, exhausting cycle of giving themselves away and never receiving the real love that sustains.

When the promise of the love appears, Nice Gals can be all too quick to jump without looking in the hopes of fulfilling the ache and longing in their hearts. But with every leap, they find they’ve been deceived – the honeymoon ends and true intentions are revealed. Betrayal and disappointment turn into despair and deeper feelings of shame and unworthiness.

The nature of too nice syndrome means attracting people who will manipulate, use, abuse, and neglect. They target the longing to be seen and connect and exploit it. In the beginning, they’re lavished with what they crave most and then slowly inch-by-inch, all that was offered is taken back and more. NG’s are left with less-than when they started with.

After each heartbreak, an NG’s self-esteem in the toilet, trust betrayed, energy zapped and faith demolished – she might rightfully conclude this love thing isn’t worth it and give up.

If this is you, who would blame you!?!

Or maybe you muster the strength and keep seeking… trying….hoping. Having given so much for too long, the emptiness grows, and once again look outward for the relationship you believe will validate your worth, and fill you with safety and acceptance.

Hungry for love and emotionally starving is a vulnerability that signals predatory or unhealthy men. The unhealed self is most attracted and drawn to men who compliment the pattern: givers attract takers, co-dependents attract love-avoidants, and victims attract abusers.

Relationships perpetually mirror the intense desire, loss, and longing of the past, and repeat until the pattern is disrupted.

Please know I’m not blaming you. The pain of too-nice co-dependency is real and debilitating. None of this is intentional or conscious (that would be crazy). The logical mind isn’t in charge here – cellular memory in the body is triggering powerful responses, skewing perspective, and motivating pre-programmed choices.

Our conscious mind puts in so much effort to do love differently, but the “emotions” drive towards the familiar.

In addition, naturally empathic, affirming and kind – nice gals see the good and highest potential in others- this is a beautiful thing. Coupled with boundaries and wisdom – this ability, along with your intuition can be your superpower – not your weakness.

Here’s how the cycle repeats and traumatizes.

Significant loss and betrayal, over time, result in a nagging anxious desire to figure it out, fix it and change it for next time. The ego-mind protectively wants to help you avoid this future pain, but this positive intention misdirected can dig you deeper into too nice co-dependency (despite your best intentions to break free).

The general consensus in the dating world is that you work out the issues at the relationship level by trying to fix and change him or how to behave towards him in order to heal.

A good love coach might speak to the egoic need to hook you into seeing the bigger truth of worth and coach you into confidence around this, but untrained “coaches” will exploit this to sell you a solution that keeps you locked in the endless search for answers and power to win his love.

Truth is you can do a lot of things wrong with the right man and he’ll love you and stick through it, and you can do everything right with the wrong guy and it will inevitably end up in heartbreak.

I’ve seen this time and time again in my own life and that of my gracious clients. Trying hard doesn’t work. A man either loves you in a devoted, genuine and committed way, or he doesn’t.

Giving more, doing more or knowing more won’t change how he feels about you. Helping, supporting, and fixing won’t change his personality and character.

I promise you, the “love him so he’ll love you back theory” doesn’t work. It puts all the focus on him, his needs and his desires, rendering you powerless and positioning you as less-than.

The No More Nice Gal approach asks the opposite, inviting you to place your energy where it needs to be, which is on healing, evolving, and loving yourself.

You’ve only “failed” at love because you were given a faulty- doomed dating advice or techniques that simply don’t work if you’re a too nice gal.

The truth is now there’s a model for healing through the No More Nice Gal Recovery program.

I believe that recovery from co-dependency is a ‘make or break’ deal. We either commit to meeting and releasing our inner wounds, or we flounder alone or hop from relationship to relationship (never quite getting it right).

What is required for you to heal is to take a stand, knowing that there is an inner being within who truly needs your love, dedication, and support. Healing this wounded, separated self, unleashes the irresistibly powerfully and worthy woman you’ve always been.

(I can’t wait to meet her!! – because she’s worthy loving!)

I can share with you a path that includes healing too nice co-dependency from its core, how to love others without losing yourself and a new worthy identity that transforms how you date and relate to men (and what you attract).

This is about recognizing that there are very ‘young’ wounded parts inside of you that are traumatized, insecure, fearful, abandoned, abused and highly distressed.

Together we need to decide that you are committed to giving the deepest love and loyalty to the wounded parts of you in order to heal them.

Then, the work focuses on shifting your identity from nice to worthy, retiring beliefs of not good enough that make you feel anxious, empty, unsure of yourself and hooked on seeking external validation, security, and approval.

Imagine the freedom and vital energy that will return to you when the frantic, desperate need to prove your lovability is gone.

Healing means the invented solution of too nice is no longer compelling and the real you in all her wonder can shine.

Only then will attracting and creating the life and love of your dreams be possible.

Love,

P.S. APPLY for an exclusive spot in No More Nice Gal Rehab – we start in March 2018!

The post Nice is the Solution, NOT the Problem first appeared on No More Nice Gal.

I could go on and on sharing all the ways that Hawkins is not Cheetos. Whether you like your cheezies crunchie or melt in your mouth, is all a matter of taste and preference.

Kinda like men.

Crunchie men are edgy, dangerous, teetering on the side of player with a sprinkle of ‘never know where you stand surprise’ that keeps you curious and engaged. But this man is selfish and cares nothing for your well-being or feelings.

Soft men are the safe, solid, and committed nice guy type. This guy may not arouse all your passions but you trust he’ll accept your insecurities and flaws. But  because his mixed bag of sensitivity is close to the surface and obvious, the relationship will trigger his wounds, fears, and neediness. You may all too quickly fall into the role of mother, helper, and therapist.

The holy grail of men is the exciting man who seems dangerous but isn’t.

He’s lit up with passion, goals, and purpose (Think Clark Little or Prince Harry). He is kind, but not so nice that you don’t respect him. He thinks you’re a keeper, but isn’t so needy that he wants to marry you on the third date. He knows you’re the one, and you feel secure as he builds the foundation of your relationship over time.

As a love and dating coach, I hear a lot of complaints about men.

There’s a place for this – because underneath that share is a deeper need and hope for change.

Here’s where most dating advice leads too nice women astray – they talk about what you need to do to change him.

Yes, can you act differently and create a more desired response from a man – ABSOLUTELY!

All too often the change is surface, short-term, and requires consistent effort on your part.

Truth…. maybe you just need to choose better men

Maybe it’s time to stop making adjustments and concessions; putting in all the effort to help a man tow the line.

Sometimes, after asking and asking for change – you need to BE THE CHANGE (for you).

Instead of changing to inspire him to love you, spend that energy being your most fabulous, happy, and emotionally connected self – to attract a man who is falling over himself to be with you.

I’m super passionate about helping you change your love life for the better – are you?!!

The post Clarity, Change and Cheezies first appeared on No More Nice Gal.