Q&A: My Boyfriend No Longer Cares
Hi, Maryjane,
My name is Yen, and I am from San Jose, California. My boyfriend and I have been together close to two years. I remember at the beginning of the relationship he was so sweet, kind, and caring to me. But I notice that ever since he got a new job and had been working overtime, he hardly cares about my feelings anymore. I tried many times to tell him how I feel, but he gets angry at me, ignores my feelings, and calls me mean names, which hurts me more. I love my boyfriend very much, but I also feel like he’s taking me for granted. I don’t want to break up with him, and I want him to start valuing me. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. He doesn’t care if we’re together or not.”
Hello Yen,
First of all, I am sorry: you deserve better. Two years is a long time to invest in someone who isn’t loving, kind and committed.
No matter what many popular books or dating blogs will tell you, you can’t make a man miss you, love you, commit to you, want you or value you. He either does or doesn’t. The more you tolerate his emotional absence and abusive behavior the less he’ll think of you and the more ‘okay’ it is for him to treat you badly. Men don’t listen to words- they respond to ACTION. Walking out the door is likely the only thing that will grab his attention.
My biggest concern Yen is why you want to keep a man who isn’t treated you well? Why do you continue to be dedicated to a man who isn’t behaving lovingly towards you?
His current behavior needs to be a deal breaker. I know you’re emotionally attached, highly invested in making this work, and unsure of how to move on without him. This explains your denial and the decision to stay hoping for the best. But, this would be a huge mistake.
The number one indicator to determine whether you’re with a healthy, good, kind, loving, attentive and committed man is: “DOES HE CHERISH, VALUE, LISTEN TO AND RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR FEELINGS?”
Does he show he cares by making an effort to listen and understand your feelings? Or does he respond defensively, aggressively or dismissively?
I recall, a pre-date screening phone call with a man who I gave three opportunities to validate a small, impersonal feeling I was sharing. It wasn’t even about him, yet he became defensive, reactive and dismissive. WOW! He displayed a lack of emotional maturity and zero empathy. Take the warning. Your boyfriend’s behaviour is a sign of how he’ll deal with difficulties, arguments, and stresses as your relationship progresses. If he can stop blaming you, own his behaviour, commit to you, and start therapy, then you may be able to make it work.
If he continues to avoid, blame, and criticize, please know…
Time won’t make it better.
Hoping he’ll change won’t inspire his love.
Ignoring his behaviour won’t make it less real or true.
Putting up with it by being kind, loving and patient, won’t make him wake up one day to realize he’s ruining a good thing or how truly wonderful you are.
Stop and ask, ‘Is this the love relationship I’ve imagined for myself?’
I’m sure your WANT AD doesn’t say: “WANTED: An Emotionally-absent, critical, unloving boyfriend who works all the time, avoids me and isn’t ready to commit.”
He’s pushing you away and mistreating you, Yen, and it doesn’t matter WHY. There’s no excuse.
If you hear only ONE THING I’ve shared, it’s this. YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. His character, personal wants, desires, and feelings are his own. Take it from a woman, ‘who has seen it all’, ‘been there, done that’, ‘dated that guy’. What I know for sure is his mistreatment, take you for granted entitlement is likely to continue. You can employ techniques that may temporarily inspire change, but his true character and feelings will always re-surface.
His lack of empathy, caring, commitment, and positive feelings for you doesn’t mean you’re not good enough to be loved; it means he’s unloving and unworthy of you.
Please break the abuse and dependency cycle that has you tolerating an emotionally unhealthy man. Declare your worth by a decision to move on.
Your happiness depends on it.
Love,
Maryjane, xoxo
