‘The Energy of Dating’
It’s said you need to slow down to speed up, connect within to know what you truly want and love yourself before finding love. It’s true.
80% of how we show up is energetic, and only 20% relates to what we say or do. That’s because how we feel translates into everything; our body language, our words, and our behaviors. More than anything, people respond to our energy.
Dating techniques only get you so far. You can do and say all the right things on a date, but if your energy is screaming, “insecure, unsure, afraid, bitter, mistrusting, shut down, disconnected, frantic, angry, desperate, or disinterested”, he’ll feel this and respond in kind. You can’t sugar coat or mask your energy, so you might as well deal with it.
Nice Gals often feel anxious when dating. They’ve been terribly hurt in the past, which triggers fears of abandonment, rejection, and aloneness. There’s a palpable pressure to secure love and avoid the pain of rejection at all costs.
To illustrate, here are a few composite client stories from my private ‘No More Nice Gal’ coaching program.
Maryjane, I was multi-dating as you recommend and reeling from an insensitive rejection of one particular guy when I had a big breakthrough. It is not that the loss of him was great, but the rush of hurt and pain I felt from men in my past who didn’t care. It was hard, but I was grateful that the tears and not good enough feelings surfaced to be acknowledged and cleared.
During this time, I kept my promise to self-love and accept nurturing support from friends and family. In just a few weeks, I noticed I wasn’t harboring negative expectation about men. I also had less fear, desperation and neediness. I felt feminine again, in touch with myself, and more soft, open and relaxed.”
My old Nice Gal controlling and fearful habits included: telling a man what to do, pressing for information to keep the conversation going, asking for reassurance and being too available.
“It’s so strange (and liberating) to not worry about whether we’re meeting up or not. I’m taking care of myself and enjoying the moment. I feel more carefree and completely at ease just being me. If a man isn’t showing up for me, instead of trying to change his mind and make the relationship happen, I let him go and move on.
It surprises me the way men respond to me now. Instead of getting turned off, ignoring me or disappearing, they pursue me and go out of their way to show they care. Nurturing and loving myself has helped me feel more secure, and it shows in all my relationships, especially with men.”
WOW!
Another client shared…
“I’m not performing on dates anymore with this frantic need to show him how awesome I am. Not feeling good enough meant I tried to impress a man so he’d find me interesting, engaging and worthwhile. Now, I lean back, relax and focus on enjoying myself. I stay present to what I am feeling and look to see he’s making me feel safe, comfortable, and special. I’ve let go of expectations, future concerns or my need to be perfect. I focus on seeing if there’s a natural connection, just being me. Just as you suggested I let a date be a casual, first-time meeting with zero future concerns.”
In Katie’s words:
I came into coaching thinking I was broken, flawed, and unlovable. All my overly giving and trying hard Nice Gals ways had me convinced I wasn’t enough, just being me.
I would give for approval, pleasing not to rock the boat, always doing my best to be supportive of others. But I always felt unsure of myself and where I stood. Men would be romantic and thoughtful in the beginning but a few dates in would act distant, no longer taking me out, or avoiding me altogether. I came to understand my need for validation by over-giving and asking for reassurance, made men view me as less of a catch, and worse, as work.
I’m no longer sabotaging my chances at love by being insecure. I’ve learned to be relaxed, let a man take the lead and not try to rush anything.
”
SELF-LOVE ATTRACTS LOVE.
Nice Gal behaviors are a reaction to fear: fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of heartbreak, and fear of change.
The minute fear transforms into love; a softening, healing and openness takes its place. Suddenly it feels safe to relax, just to be and trust.
The practice of self-love is so vitally important. It changes your vibration and amps up your energy. It shifts you from focusing on fears rooted in the past to imagining a new possible future that matches your desire.
Don’t worry about trying to get the guy through self-improvement and effort. The simple act of loving yourself builds your feel good, happy, joyful energy, attracting to you all you need and desire.
Slow down and get your energy right and watch how everyone, especially men respond to you differently.
