Stop Trying to Improve Yourself
Have you ever thought, “I’ve done all this personal growth work, why is this issue still affecting my life? How after all my efforts, did I end up in exactly the same place?! Why am I still struggling…?
Most personal growth simply serves to gloss over and pretty up personal pain. It gives the appearance of progress and the promise of hope, but lacking true transformation, acts only as a temporary relief and distraction. This is because self-improvement done as trying to be better, do better, and have more (i.e. change who you are) doesn’t actually make you feel good enough, long-term.
Doing better to feel better is just another form of spiritual materialism. Each day we’re bombarded with messages of how we’re not thin enough, not rich enough, or not successful enough. These ‘not good enough messages’ strong-hold their way into our identity, convincing us not only that we failed, but that we’re failures.
Psychologically, it’s instinctual to seek out and engage in experiences that produce self-affirming emotions, but what happens when results act only as a quick fix and ultimately do more damage? What happens when the promise of happiness, success, and fulfillment, is broken? What happens when the despite loving others, they fail to love us back?
If we’re not vigilant in our discernment, it’s easy to get hooked buying freedom from pain and trying to earn our way to love. Because if that next book, program, method, coach, or relationship didn’t make a difference, we’re left with two normal reactions, blame the book, program, method, coach, or relationship, or blame ourselves. Maybe, we even do both. Reaction one leads to disillusionment, anger, and mistrust, and the other leads to shame. When this happens, there are two clear choices, look for the next book, program, method, coach or relationship, to mend our fractured sense of self for good.
Self-improvement isn’t holding up its end of the bargain when it fails to break the cycle of shame and opens us to selfish exploitation from others for pleasure or profit. We can continue the endless cycle of approval-seeking trying to find wholeness from outside ourselves, or we can see through the lie that having Gucci bag doesn’t make us better than, being needed or desired isn’t real love, and achieving our dreams isn’t the formula for happiness.
“Without self-worth, you can never trust or receive the love others have to offer. Without self-love, no amount of validation will ever be enough; no amount of money or stuff will satisfy or hold back the emptiness you feel, and no amount of self-improvement will make you feel good enough.”
We all need the possibility of positive change to give us hope, motivation, and energy. But without the wisdom to discern between what offers only temporary relief and what actually heals, we’re likely to be lead astray.
The nice things, great relationships, and awesome experiences are the result of knowing our true nature as whole, worthy, and lovable. Seeking these things as a way to bring about wholeness, never works. We’ll always fall short, feel less than, and disempowered when we seek an external solution to an internal problem.
The real transformation and fulfillment occur when we replace shame-based, unworthy identity with a worthy one. Our goal needs to shift from doing or having more to embracing our God-given lovability. Because knowing our worth means we can rest in the truth about ourselves and make more loving choices in accordance with our new worth-based identity.
This breaks the cycle of under or over achieving to gain love, approval, and acceptance, to actually embracing the love we so desperately need.
In this way, compassion becomes our focus, self-love our practice, and meditation, prayer, and/or gratitude our new daily action.
Stop feeling bad about yourself or your life for failing to live up to others expectations.
Live by a new rule that says: “The universe created me as someone who is loved, lovable and loving. I am worthy and valuable, no strings attached.“
Love,
P.S. I love this song! You’re fabulous just the way you are! No self-improvement or changes required.
