50 Shades of a Toxic Relationship
Fifty Shades of Grey hits theaters today and let’s be honest who doesn’t want to see Jamie Dornan steaming up the screen– hh ell OOO HOT!
WHILE THE IDEA OF LOSING CONTROL WITH A MAN MAKES FOR A GREAT FANTASY, LOSING YOURSELF TO A MAN IS NEITHER HOT OR GLAMOUROUS.
In fact, it can be downright degrading, soul-sucking and damaging.
I know first hand. I fell for a man who appeared to be everything I wanted and lavished me with an unreal amount of attention and affection, awesome dates and gifts. He was intelligent, spiritual, a vegetarian, holistic therapist and so many other things I fell for– his character, however, was lacking – if not sociopathic.
By the time I discovered it his true colors, it was too late. I was emotionally hooked and desperate to win back the fairy-tale. Extricating myself from that relationship was a long, excruciatingly painful process, and it took me years to fully recover my self-esteem, finances, and energy.
I now use my bad experience for good. I support clients who find themselves caught in the trap of falling for a broken man, a narcissist, an addict, or an abuser.
I truly understand why smart, sweet, and intuitive women don’t see the danger and fall for heightened passion, great sex and the allure of winning him over. Falling hard and fast is stimulating and exciting, but it comes at a cost.
Here’s the thing, I knew intuitively within a few weeks something was up, I had this bad gut feeling, but I overlooked it.
I wanted to believe he was what he appeared to be.
I wanted to keep the high of how good he made me feel when we were together – rather than drop the illusion to see him for who he really was.
I wanted so badly for him to be the one, so I could finally have my dream of love.
Once I knew the truth, the games, lies, manipulation, and utter lack of feeling on his behalf was obvious.
I missed it because he was giving me the one thing I craved the most, lots of physical affection and attention. He HOOKED me… good.
I paid a price for filling up on fantasy. I ended up humiliating myself, compromising my values and escaping the pain by falling into the delusion he wanted to be a better man and I could fix him.
All the time fighting the truth my intuition was screaming at me- GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN!!!!!
So, I have empathy, coupled with a deep understanding of how women can find themselves psychologically and negatively attached to a destructive man.
It’s not because of stupidity or low self-worth, but because narcissistic men are often charming and seductive. Prior to meeting him, I was at the height of loving my life. I had done much personal healing, and my business was thriving. I was personally and professionally at my best.
A year later I was in utter despair, depressed, financially and emotionally broken. I closed my practice because I was out of integrity. It took me a year to get emotional healthy and about three years to get happy. While I used this personal shattering to grow – it is the one regret I would change if I could.
I was taken advantage of, deceived and duped. I felt shocked. I honestly didn’t see it coming. He exploited my kindness, my generosity and my desire for love.
I fell hard, fast and blindly, without qualifying him or screening to keep myself safe. I rushed in and got caught in the excitement of it all, trusting him implicitly, never stopping to ask myself if he had earned my trust.
As I recovered – picking up the broken pieces of my shattered self – I got wise. The NO MORE NICE GAL COMMITMENTS were born: always put your happiness and well being first and always trust your intuition.
I never looked back.
This Valentines, forget flowers, forget romance and forget the fantasy, decide on nothing less than real love.
Stop second-guessing your worth or dating a man you need to change or have to change for to be sufficiently loved.
Real love isn’t about losing yourself: it’s about finding yourself and becoming the best of who you are. It comes slowly, through friendship, respect, trust and genuine compatibility.
Slow, cautious and deliberate may not sound sexy, but trust me it is. When you find this kind of love, you feel supported, secure, and accepted. Best of all, your attraction doesn’t fizzle, and it doesn’t harm.
Make sure you only surrender to a man who consistently makes you FEEL GOOD, respected, and safe.
Love,
