Why Choosing a Man based on Feelings Leads to Heartbreak
Attention from a man was a powerful hook that would draw me in like a moth to a flame. The romance would burn hot and fast with the pleasure and the sting. Inevitably the fantasy would fade and ‘morning after’reality would set in days, weeks or months after, leaving me heartbroken.
I use to fall into my feelings, but now I am wiser.
Here’s why acting only on feelings of attraction is a mistake and how to avoid it.
Feelings of attraction are necessary to kick-start a connection, but relying ONLY on feelings in how we choose a romantic partner is why we haven’t found lasting love.
I noticed a pattern in myself and clients of making relationship choices based on feelings. As kind-hearted, empathic feeling types our capacity for creativity and care of others works against us when it comes to falling in love.
Recently, I decided it was time after a reflective and healing hiatus to open up to dating again.
Brad had secretly been admiring me from afar, eventually, I clued in and picked on on his attraction. I admit- it felt good to be desired. His adoration and attentiveness energizing me and I started to hope again.
My desire to “find the one” and belief in “meant to be” was a vulnerability that had exposed me to manipulation and exploitation in the past.
Mindful of past mistakes, I went slow, listened more than I talked, didn’t fall into fantasy, and tested feelings compared to actions. So, when Brad said, “I have never felt this strongly for anyone”, and talked about future plans, I knew these were just his feelings talking and not a promise or commitment. I looked to not what he said but what he did and his character as a guidepost for relationship potential.
His actions were telling.
- He said how much he missed me, but didn’t text or call for days.
- He canceled date plans last minute twice.
- He got too touchy-feely too fast and pressured me for sex.
- He admitted he suffered from severe anxiety and tended to be obsessive.
- He complained about his ex-girlfriend not helping him enough.
Hello!!! ….RED FLAGS!
The younger, more giving and desperate to be loved part of me, would have let myself just fall into the good feelings of adoration and attraction, minimized the obvious tells, and help him overcome his immaturity and brokenness.
The difference is that I am a No More Nice Gal now. I don’t let men use me for sex, guidance, or positivity. I don’t confuse attraction for love. I have zero delusions that loving a man enough means he will change for the better.
I noticed all of Brad’s serious flaws and true intentions in a few chats and 2-dates. Fact is, true to old patterns, I attracted a fixer-upper in need, not a real man capable of appreciating and loving the real me.
Knowing my worth and committed to never settling ever again – that simply not good enough. I easily said no and when he pushed back twice, I said No and a more powerful NO! again.
The strength to do this comes from practicing what I preach and following the No More Nice Gal Principles.
Always put yourself first.
Trust (and follow) your Intuition.
Protect your Heart and Happiness.
Be Kind to yourself.
Act Worthy to feel Worthy.
It’s self-affirming when you protect your happiness and no longer allow feelings and fantasy to rule your choices.
It’s affirming when you act on behalf of your own worth and never settle.
It’s empowering to transform a painful past into a promising future.
Feelings all too often steer us wrong. Acting on and relying exclusively on feelings can make us blind to reality and reckless with our heart. Feelings can cause us to fall for inappropriate, unavailable, non-committal, non-compatible or emotionally unhealthy love interests. Likely, you’ll end up with a train wreck of failed and disappointing ex’s and no closer to your goal of real, forever love.
Don’t take my word for it; research backs-up my lived experience.
Researchers, Mauss, Tamir, Anderson, and Savino, discovered that individuals who seek love to fulfill a personal need results in less happiness overall and increased feelings of loneliness. This is because feelings change over time, making it easy to “fall out of love,” as it can be to “fall in love.”
On the other hand, committed couples acted in more loving ways, regardless of feelings, based on what they value about the relationship and their partner, making it easier to navigate hard times, change, or disappointments.
So…
Relationship longevity and happiness has more to do with shared values than attraction. The goal of every Nice Gal, then, is to stop choosing what feels good and instead chose a man who shares your vision for life and actively loves.
