Feel and Face
Do you only feel comfortable with “good” feelings – you know, joy, excitement, happiness? What do you do with the hard emotions, such as, sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, shame, and resentment?
Valentines Day can be a difficult day. Reminders of coupledom everywhere can equal longing and loneliness. It is tempting to race for an emotional exit and self-soothe with a romantic movie, wine, and chocolate!
I’m curious… what are the habits and activities you turn to for escape and ease from the pain and pressure in your life? What is your “drug of choice”?
Shopping? Food? Netflix? Rescuing? Approval Seeking? Internet? Fantasy? Sympathy? Control? Gossip? Sex? Isolation? Anger? Flirtation? Exercise? Cutting? Hobbies? Achievement? Men?
So why am I talking about emotional avoidance on Valentines!!! (of all days!!!)
It’s not because I want to flog you into misery for being single or beat you up for the imagined ways your over-responsible self-feels like a failure. You’ve already shouldered all the blame, despite the truth. Plus, it’s not very nice, and I’m all about kindness.
What I know for sure is that a numbing the pain, pushing through to be ‘strong’, buying into the idea of a singular soulmate, and isolating yourself out of fear of rejection you won’t get you the life and relationship you’re worthy of.
The part of you that is starving for love will be vulnerable to exploitation and stay dependent on your drug(s) of choice to fill the emptiness.
I want the absolute best for you – more than you think you deserve or could imagine. You can’t claim an extraordinary love and life if you’re hiding, giving up, mistrusting, denying your needs, or avoiding feelings of anger, shame, fear, and regret.
This stuff will eat you up from the inside out: bury your gifts, burden your hopes, and suffocate your light.
Your lovability is buried beneath messages of unworthiness, saying “You don’t belong”, “There’s something wrong with you” and “You’ll always be alone”.
No one can live with a voice in their head telling them they’re not enough. It’s unbearable and cruel.
The radical solution is not to numb or distract from the pain but embrace it with acceptance and compassion. Instead of pushing the pain away, stuffing it down or drowning in emotion: breathe, feel and notice.
Breathe into your body, feel the sensation of emotion and observe the texture and movement. Breathe in color and light, breathe out negative emotion and stress.
Resist trying to think your way into a solution. This never works and will only make you feel frantic, anxious, and confused. Avoid attaching meaning, conclusions or beliefs to the feeling. You can’t think your way into healing. Only love heals.
Further, avoid identifying with feelings “as who you are” since this pours salt in the wound and creates resistance to change. Over-identification turns “he left me and I feel unloved” to “I am unlovable”. This untruthful leap separates you from love and fractures the self from wholeness, creating a desperate longing for connection coupled with an overpowering fear of rejection.
Being separated from your true self and value explains why you don’t believe in yourself, why you want to be loved but push people away or chose men who don’t love you. It explains why you give but don’t receive, or why you depend too much on others or codependently need to be needed. It explains why you settle for less and shame your natural human needs or why you hide your true desires and gifts out of fear of abandonment.
The wounded self is fragile and seeking esteem. The goal is to find self-worth outside of our broken attempt to be loved by being too nice and giving ‘ourselves’ away.
Heartbreak can be a transformative journey if you have the courage to feel and face. It takes emotional courage to feel and honesty to admit unexpressed emotions are weighing you down and keeping you stuck.
It takes determination to recover from the blows life threw at your self-esteem, and stop abandoning yourself.
I believe you can take past heaping piles of sh*t! and plant a flourishing and radiant garden. I believe you can turn heartbreak and so-called negative emotions into personal power.
I’m confident that as you dedicate 2018 to healing your heart and living like you’re loved – life will become more joyful and fulfilling. Commit to doing the hard healing first to attract real love after.
No More Nice Gal Healing includes:
Separating your value or worth from your the approval of others or from accomplishments.
Understanding weight is your excuse not to date and how your relationship with food is intimately connected to suppressed feelings.
Recognizing you’ve picked men and significant people in your life to help you heal past wounds and grow– even if it feels like they mostly challenged or harmed you.
Removing barriers or blocks so you can finally feel confident with men.
No longer withdrawing and isolating yourself, making it safe to connect.
Feeling your feelings to empower emotional resilience and unshakeable belief in yourself.
Pushing feelings aside or using your intellect to cope with your feelings doesn’t work. Trying harder doesn’t work. Giving more doesn’t work. Avoidance doesn’t work. Healing your heart and claiming your worth does.
This Valentine’s day, I invite you to feel, care for and delight in yourself as a step in your decision to heal and feel.
Here’s a free worksheet exercise to get started.
You’re Worth Loving.
